It’s that time again, where the world comes together to celebrate a certain Rio De Janeiro-based*global*sporting event that for trademark reasons we can’t say the name of. In the lead up to this special time in all of it’s chaotic glory, we thought it only right to celebrate the finest athletes of the automotive arena: the fastest, the strongest, the most poised contenders on the road today.

These are machines at the pinnacle of their respective fields, without the need for modifications or any funny business. Naturally, that means Lada’s are banned. You know why.

100m Dash (0-100 km/h challenge)

The 100m Dash is all about getting up to speed as quickly as possible, and as Usain Bolt’s exploits on the track and in the olympic village are likely to attest to, it’s all about low-down torque here. *Only manufacturer released times are accepted here, because as we all know, it doesn’t count unless you can do it when the officials are watching.

Gold – Porsche 918 Spyder (Germany) – 2.5 Secs

Image: PorscheSilver – Bugatti Veyron Supersport (France) – 2.5 Secs

Image: BugattiBronze – Porsche 991 Turbo S (Germany) – 2.5 secs

Image: Autoevolution

400m Sprint (1/4 Mile run)

As was aptly pointed out to me by a colleague, 400m is exactly a 1/4 mile, meaning it sets the benchmark for raw speed just as much in the Automotive world as it does on the track.

Gold – Bugatti Veyron Supersport (France) – 9.7*Secs

Image: BugattiSilver – Ferrari LaFerrari (Italy) – 9.7 Secs

Image: Car and DriverBronze – McLaren P1 (UK) – 9.8 Secs

Image: McLaren

Weightlifting (Towing Capacity)

While the gold medal at Rio is more than likely to go to either the Chinese or a frighteningly strong eastern European, the Spares Box weightlifting competition is a little more balanced, with the ability to produce torque and haul anything being the name of the game.

Gold – Ford F150 (USA) – 5500kg w/524nm torque

Image: FordSilver – Chevrolet Silverado (USA) – 5400kg w/ 620nm Torque

Image: TrucktrendBronze – Dodge RAM (USA) – 4200kg w/ 555nm torque

Image: Miami Lakes Automall

Marathon (Combined Fuel Economy)

If there is one event that proves being the fastest isn’t always everything, it’s the marathon.*Our most frugal automotive marathoners of 2016 are those that have the ability to travel long distances while using the least amount of fuel.

Tightening emission standards in Australia and abroad has led to an increasing shift towards downsizing, turbocharging and hybrid engines and has seen a number of new contenders emerge, ready to challenge for the title of ‘most frugal vehicle on Australian roads.

Electric/hybrid vehicles are explicitly BANNED – you don’t see marathon runners competing with electric lungs.

Gold: Audi A1 Diesel (Germany) – 3.8L/100km

Image: Glenmore AudiSilver: Mini Cooper D (UK) – 3.9L/100km

Image: Cars GuideBronze: Fiat 500 Hardtop (Italy) – 3.9L/100km

Image: Top Gear

Rhythmic Gymnastics (Highest Sales in Australia)

As anyone who’s either seen a rhythmic gymnast or a car salesman in action will tell you, selling a car*isn’t necessarily down to how good it*in any particular area. Rather, it’s about the way you sell it, and it boils down to a celebration of style over substance (at least until you take it for a test drive). Free of the glitter and spandex, here’s the medal winners.

Gold: Toyota Corolla (Japan)

Image: Cars GuideSilver:*Toyota HiLux (Japan)

Image: Practical MotoringBronze: Ford Ranger (USA)

Image: The Motor Report

Decathlon (Nurburgring Lap Time)

The Decathlon is a showcase*of the ability to dominate the track, the field and every different type of movement required of an athlete. The Nurburgring brings this out in the world’s finest cars, and only a vehicle with the perfect balance of raw speed and handling will take home the glory.

Gold: Radical SR8 (UK) – 6:56:08

Image: AusringersSilver: Porsche 918 Spyder (Germany) – *6:57:00

Image: CarThrottleBronze:*Lamborghini Aventador LP 750-4 Superveloce (Italy) – 6:59.73

Image: CarAdvice

Medal Count

Germany: 2*Gold, 1 Silver, 1 Bronze

USA: 1 Gold, 1 Silver, 2 Bronze

UK: 1 Gold,*2*Silver

Japan: 1 Gold, 1 Silver

France: 1 Gold, 1 Silver

Italy: 1*Silver, 2*Bronze